anxiety

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On Wednesday I was driving in the darkness to school ruminating over what I had heard at church the night before.

“Instead of rehearsing our anxieties, rehearse our blessings.”

Now that makes sense I told myself.  But here I was again, rehearsing a big anxiety.  If our district goes out on strike, which seems likely at this point…here is where I start to rehearse the anxiety, we will have to make up school days. If we have to make up school days, when will they have us make them up? At the end of the year? On spring break? Or, heaven forbid, at Winter break? Why am I so worried?  Why do I have a knot the size of a golf ball in my gut?

We have tickets to go to Ecuador after Christmas and I just can’t bear the thought that maybe, just maybe,  I would have to stay home while Jeff and Dave go see Emily, Samantha and John. Even Kelly will most likely be celebrating with her boyfriend’s family out-of-state.  They would be together, I would be alone.

So here I am in the car, in the dark and my tears are starting…what if, what if, what if?

Today, I’m sitting in church with anxious thoughts flitting this way and that.   I’m realizing that this will be the first Christmas in 30 years that my daughter and son won’t be with us when we sing Silent Night at the end of the service.  This is when our pastor encourages us to get up and hug tell each other that we love them.  I hate making this change at all!  Things seem to be slowly unraveling. My anxiety whispers…”you can’t take this, Nancy, you aren’t strong enough, you will just fall apart in a pile on the floor.”

But then  another voice begins to whisper.

Life is change- ever flowing movement, rogue winds, making way to sunny days and then to darkness over again. You are not alone.  You have friends that have lost children, you have friends that have lost their soul mate to another, you have friends that are raising children alone, you have friends that are searching for redemption and even those who wonder what a blessing is. You have me.

There will be someone to sing Silent Night with.  Keep your eyes open, wide open.  Be courageous and start peeling back the darkness that you cry out in.  Be open to new possibilities of change and blessing, be open to my love that encircles you always.

Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright…I rehearse the greatest blessing of all time.

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About ...never ending story

lifelong teacher who is semi-retired (does this sound better?) who loves God, family and laughing... who hates social injustice... who wants to write every day... who needs to exercise every day... who blog hops... who wants to live her everyday life led by her savior, Jesus Christ!

3 responses »

  1. Uncertainty is difficult to deal with, causing so much stress. I am glad that you are trying to limit the anxiety, and I hope that you are able to go to Ecuador.

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